Archive for July, 2010

When “NO” means saying “YES” to YOU.

When someone you love has done something horrible to you, and you’re trying to work it out, it is easy to fall back into old patterns before the new boundaries are firmly set. I did this recently with a family member I care about. Once he apologized, I jumped right back into my old role of caretaker. I woke up two days later and thought, “What the f… am I doing?”

In this case, an apology is just a beginning. I got the apology I thought I would never get; I immediately became that little girl who wanted to make everything okay for him because I knew what it took for him to get to a place where he could begin to take some responsibility. I know there are many people out there who can relate. The work begins again with ME resetting boundaries and allowing him time to work on the issue before accepting him back into my life.

If I don’t do my part of the work, he has no motivation to work through it, for his own sake, or for the sake of the relationship. He was happy in denial in the first place. If this happens, remember you took one GIANT step forward in confronting the person and setting firm boundaries, and you only took two small steps back. Don’t quit on yourself. Start again from the truth of where the relationship is and apologize to yourself and the other person for confusing the boundaries. This gives them the opportunity to still do the work without you doing it for them and lying to yourself by saying, “Look what they’ve done,” when you know you took the easy way out.

Remind yourself that this process takes time. Remind yourself who you are and how you deserve to be treated. Remind yourself of those personality traits that no longer work for you. For me, it’s being the consummate caretaker. I tell myself, “Anything can be worked out when it comes to me and my relationships.” That’s just pure bullshit I feed myself because in the back of my mind there’s that insecure little girl who is scared that if the person doesn’t try to work it out, it can only mean one or all of several bad scenarios. “They don’t really love me.” “I’m a fool.” “If they don’t love me, no one will.” Or, “I can’t afford to lose them. Who will care for me the way they do?” Or, “I’ll end up alone.”

Yell at the top of your lungs, “STOP IT!” as many times as you need to in order to pull yourself together and reset the boundary. Don’t try this at home. You might frighten your neighbors. If you do, please yell into a pillow. I do it in my car these days. People assume you’re on the phone. Make sure the windows are up! And only do it if you pull over and either park with the engine off or with the gearshift in park position. You might accidentally hit the gas or brake. Either way, you could end up in an accident. Don’t worry about what other people think. They are strangers, and chances are you’ll never see them again.

Every day, first thing in the morning when you go to the bathroom, look yourself in the eye and ask yourself, “Do I love myself today?” Whether the answer is “Yes” or “No,” this tells you to focus your energy on yourself. Then ask yourself, “How much do I love myself today?” This will tell you automatically what mindset you’ve chosen for the day. It predicts the outcome of your day because it directly reflects your attitude and behavior.

Flip the script immediately and tell yourself, “I LOVE MYSELF 100%.” Then give yourself a hug. This takes 1-2 minute(s) of your day. For those of you feeling weak or doubting your ability to set boundaries for the rest of the day, every time you are in the bathroom repeat, “I LOVE MYSELF 100% TODAY.”

Learning to set healthy strong boundaries takes time. This exercise can be used for as long as it takes and to whatever degree suits you best. I’ve had clients who are now doing this for the rest of their lives. They find it life changing. It sets the tone for their day, encourages them to breathe slower and deeper, and day by day they love themselves just a little bit more.

Saying “NO” means saying, “YES” to YOURSELF. BE SELFISH. It’s OKAY!!!

Posted by Dr. Leslie Seppinni on July 28, 2010|Category: Crisis No Comments »

Whether You Like Lindsay Lohan or Not She is Still a 24 Year Old Girl in Pain!

We all saw Robert Downey Jr.’s Addiction play out in the media including the infamous Diane Sawyer interview from jail. Lindsay just like Robert has more than likely been using drugs and/or alcohol prior to any public knowledge. Unfortunately, often times a celebrity’s bottom is so low leading to some of the worst cases of addiction not because their pain is greater than those who also suffer from addiction. But, because their access & long standing tolerance for the celebrity’s irreverent, rageful, and self-destructive behavior make negative attention that much more appealing. A 24 year old girl’s life is at stake not a celebrity. The fact that she’d rather go to jail than rehab show’s how deep her addiction and pain is. It’s time to pray not judge. If Robert Downy Jr. can do it there is certainly hope for Lindsay Lohan.

Posted by Dr. Leslie Seppinni on July 23, 2010|Category: Celebrity 2 Comments »

Excuse Free Moment of the Week:

Sometimes we need our excuses to give ourselves permission to take better care of ourselves. Don’t be a martyr!

Posted by Dr. Leslie Seppinni on July 15, 2010|Category: Excuse Free Living No Comments »